Mike Belgrave : Stand Up Comedian

Snog Marry Avoid

2011-02-21T01:24:00.000Z

Oh god! I have no idea why, but I really love the programme Snog Marry Avoid. For those of you familiar with my current attire, I am not in the slightest bit interested in fashion. In fact, I have been known to wear clothes till they’re practically falling off my back, but I can't get enough of this show. If there were a DVD box set and I was given it as a present I'd watch it all in one go plus the extras. (I wouldn't pay for it of course. Why would I? It's always on the telly, plus I’m a cheapskate)

If you've never seen it, the premise is to get people who dress.... how can I put this subtlety? Well... cheap, crass and chavvy and get them to sandblast their make off and change their “sexy to them” but “embarrassing to us” costumes to something more respectable. Thereby turning these day glo orange mutant ducklings into easier on the eye swans.

They don't always get it right. Occasionally they make some slutty bleach blonde low cut leopard skinned mini dressed big boobed corn beefed legged tart look 10 years older and like a 1950s primary school teacher. And that's no good to man nor Leeds Tiger Tiger.

They also get some people on that look at bit “alternative”. I have no idea what they are. In my day there were just punks and Goths. So to me they look a bit punky/gothy. Thank god the producers usually deem these people not usable and send them on their miserable way. This is fine with me, because they tend to look great as they are. The world's a colourful place because of gothy/punky/emu people and they must not be defrocked or made normal, otherwise Camden may as well just turn itself into one giant JD Sports. There's also the danger that they dress this way to make up for a lack of personality. Take that away and you’re just left with spare body parts.

There’s two presenters. One is “Pod”, which is a 3rd rate computer akin to “Deep Thought” in The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy. Industrial, Light and Magic this ain’t. It’s a camera lens going backwards and forwards enlarged and badly superimposed in a white room, with a woman’s voice put through a cheap computer voice emulator. And then there’s Jenny Frost. I love the fact that she's there to promote natural beauty yet she looks like she loves to trowel on tons of slap herself. I have no idea who she is but she's brilliant. She sets the tone perfectly and doesn’t patronise the over made up badly dressed brigade. I haven’t been bothered to Wikipedia her ass as I don’t want to be disappointed that she might be the winner from “I’m a Prick Get Me Out of Here” or be famous for being spit roasted by a gang of closet homosexual brain dead overpaid footballers.

I think the winning formula of his show is they genuinely have Joe Public on it. They’re really lovely at their best and at their worst, a bit dim and shallow but inoffensive. And I can certify that they're real people due to the fact that I recognised one of my friends from facebook on it. And by “friend”, of course I mean someone I’ve never met.

When a lot of the more annoying people get the “make under” the first thing you notice is, they’re suddenly not as annoying as they were at the start of the show. Their personalities haven’t changed, they are suddenly more palatable when you’re not in fear of them catching fire with all the products they cover themselves in. In other words, when you look into their tacky, fake tan, towelled on foundation faces, all you hear is “whatever”, “der fing is yeah” and “but ah can’t live wivout ma nails man” and you make your mind up that they’re a bunch of shallow bastards. Without the slap and a tasteful outfit, you listen to “everything” they have to say and suddenly it’s not quite so annoying. Some of them turn out to be downright charming. Don’t get me wrong, Stephen Fry doesn’t need to start pooing the bed just yet for fear of being out intellectualised by the Snog Marry Avoid paprty.

The only people so far I had no time for was the gay man and fat girl who sprayed themselves orange and dressed like they wanted look like they were in Heat magazine, but could only dress themselves in what they found in carrier bags outside a charity shop. To be honest, it wasn’t that they looked shit, it was more down to the fact that they worshipped Peter Andre and Jordan. Pod decided not to give them a makeover. She said it would get in the way of their friendship, but I think the producers decided that they’d made a mistake and wanted shot of these c***s ASAP.

Edinburgh diary Weds 4th Aug

2010-08-07T09:44:00.000+01:00

Got up and had Manera's famous Ham and eggs. Although the ham was pre cooked and I had to cook the eggs. But it was a good start to the day. On the way to helping out at The Hive Manera couldn't help himself and popped onto a vintage clothes shop to buy a jacket. This place was fantastic. It had everything you could possibly need. Even I did a bit of shopping. I noticed on Yianni's facebook wall that he'd forgotten to bring a jacket. And that's where I found a damn fine leather jacket. Best of all Manera was with me and once he told me it was cool, then I knew it was da bomb. It was also only twenty five quid. We talked about how much a jacket like that would cost. So we went to the counter and guesss what? There was a half price sale on leather jackets just for that week. So I got this cool leather jacket for twelve pound fifty.

I proudly wore my new leather jacket down the street, but not for long because I got really hot. We go to The Hive to help out but our shopping trip made us so late that it was almost done. Damn fine venue I have to say. Really fantastic. It's the space I'll eventually if I can get around to it put on a Cbekhov play before I die.

We then went to the Meadow Bar and I set up the sound system. I couldn't work ou how I couldn't get any sound out of it. I pride myself on being able to put together most sound systems and get them working wihout a manual. After much gnashing of teeth and burning of witches and pulling of cables we discovered that the main wire had been cut. So we replaced that, packed away an extraordinary amount of geeky games including Doom the Board Game? The venue was done. I hung around wih Alex, Manera, Willis and had a few beers and a bit of food. Got to meet the very lovely Simon who makes a good addition to the team of wastrels that we are.

Popped home for a bit of a scrub, well the others did, I just stayed smelly and then headed down to The Counting House for the launch party. I was greeted by some lovely ladies with some lovely free fruit cider. Got to finally meet Tricity Vogue and Sarah Louise Young who I did the promo videos for. Both as charming as expected. And then got chatting to the usual scum on the comedy circuit. Speaking of Jem Brookes, the lazy bastard wanted to know if he could have my extra cider rather than getting off his fat arse and getting another free one only two yards away.

The launch party went well. Coppin did a good job as MC. Not as easy as it looks in front of mainly other performers. It was incredibly full and hot so I didn't catch everyone but I particularly liked Bob Slayer, Louise and Tricity. Of course the small bit Manera and I did was fabulous.

Ended the night getting thrown out of The Counting House and heading to The Meadow Bar. Well it didn't quite end there, on the way back we stopped off for a final few nightcaps at The Cukoo's Nest. Which I have to say is an absolute great place to have on your doorstep. So far so good.

Edinburgh diary Tued 2nd Aug

2010-08-05T13:13:00.002+01:00

Haven't really started yet but have had a great time so far. Did Saint Albans last night. I love that gig. Full of lovely middleclass intelligent people that just want to have a laugh midweek. Some of them spoke to me in the interval and I mentioned acts that I'd seen. They looked shocked and said they couldn't imagine being rude to an act that wasn't doing well. They'd just chuckle at appropriate moments.

Well all in all everyone did well. Not just because they were a forgiving crowd but because they were great acts. Lewis Bryan did a stunning job opening and Don Biswas was just amazing. He's going to be really big. All in all an excellent show. Hal Crutenden did amazin and was worried he hadn't quite done well enough. Bloody perfectionists.

I got back to Coppin's in about forty minutes. However the plan to stay at his in order to get more sleep was scuppered by two bottles of wine, a pizza and finding more and more ludicrous Wesley Willis songs on YouTube. I think The Chicken Cow wins hands down.

I got to bed around 2am and was woken up at 6am. More training for the featival. We managed to cram the car with our stuff and I managed to cram Nik's massive easel onto the back of my car (matron). We picked Manera from Finsbury Park station and once we'd finished playing tetris with the bags we were off.

The journey was a lot of fun. Once I got off the M1 the scenery was gorgeous. We also found he best ever service station that also had a farm shop. About 100 miles from Edinburgh. There was a lake with ducks and an outside huylt that sold good quality burgers from meat from a nearby farm. I couldn't believe how nice they tasted. Real gourmet style. I also couldn't believe that people would walk by and go straight To the Burger King inside. Apparently these Re known as Kit Kat and Nescafe people. Mamera told me that's how Lucy describes them. Yes I'm a snob and I don't give a shit.

Well considering we stopped for two long breaks the journey only took eight and a half hours. I met Doug at he flat and we were off. The flat was as lovely as I remembered it from before. We popped around the corner to grab a few things and the manky supermarket from last time had turned into a lovely Co Op.

We met up with Mr Petty in The Three Sisters. I knew practically every poster on the wall due to doing the DVD pro o for most of the shows. The outside area is like The Pleasance Courtyard. And the DVD isn't just going to be played on Big screens, it's also going to be projected on the wall. I can't wIt to see it.

Next we went to the City Cafe. My first proper look at my venue. I completely love it. It's in an amazing location and it's perfect for both shows. Very happy.

We finished the evening off by having a meal where they serve the steaks on a red hot slate. Then drinks in The Beehive and then a final few in The Cukoo's Nest across the road from he flat. Which is yet another great find. Got to bed Bout 1am. Didn't realise how tired I was. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. I must be in a happy relaxed mood. I didn't even mind Coppin singing Wesley Willis songs all day.

Rock over London. Rock on Edinburgh. Wheaties. Breakfast of champions.

Pre Edinburgh stuff

2010-08-02T14:53:00.000+01:00

Blog
Well over the last few days I've done a ton of driving, loads of kids shows and loads of gigs. I suppose this is good preparation for edinbugh. The gigs were lovely. Leeds Big Night Out was challenging, but I must have done well and had the crowd chanting for me to do more. Not bad when you're the compere.

I managed to get one day off in Tuxford and the surrounding areas where I enjoyed the meanderings of village life. Pub lunch, brass band in the park, a swim and a good read of The Observer Magazine. Stewart Lee's article was lovely. It brought back good memories of scouring news agents looking for Marvel and DC Comics to complete my collections.

Still I had to get some work done and spoke to Manera and Coppin about our travel plans. Manera had to do his whole conversation like a cheap spy novel and Coppin's main topic was how big his easel was. And no, that isn't a euphemism. Why can't I have normal friend? I suppose they talk about me the same way.

There hasn't been much to report recently due to the fact that I've spent nearly a week in a dark room hunched over editing The Three Sisters Free Frestival DVD. I've put them plus a few that have already been done in advance here. www.YouTube.com/freefestivalfringe I've added promos for my own shows. No point in not getting something out of it.

I shall technically be starting my epolic journey a little early. I leave to go to St. Albans, then come back and crash at Coppin's stinking abode. It'll save an hour of the journey and Coppin won't get in trouble for dragging his big easel across town. I'm slightly worried to be faced with a piece of scaffolding when we finally get to pack the car.

Just finished watching Nowhere Boy. Loved it. Can't wait for the next one.

Windmill Comedy

2010-07-11T13:07:00.000+01:00

Well after all the uncertainty and trepidation about last year's comedy show at the Tuxford Arts Festival, thus year's was a resounding success. Plenty of lovely people, beautiful setting and great comics. Marc Lucero and Steve Day did me proud. The setting was in a marquee next to a privately owned working windmill. Gorgeous setting for a comedy. He crowd were a crowd from heaven. To be honest te setting alone was enough to put you in a good mood. It's the sort of show he audience will bentelling their friends about for years. We even had anfew people return from last year's show so it couldn't have been all that bad. Marc Lucero even got away with some of his racier material by doing it on purpose and telling the crowd I warned him not to do it. And they adored Steve Day, I mean who couldn't. A member of the audience even said after that he just radiated charm.

So that was great. There was even someone from the Retford Times who wanted to meet me the next day to take some publiciy shots of me posing inside the windmill. So that's me hitting the big time.

We spent the rest of he night in the pool drinking wine and talking about how fabulous I was. Everyone's a winner.

Ukulele days

2010-07-09T21:02:00.003+01:00

I've spent an age an a half doing stuff for the Tuxford Featival that starts today. There was supposed to be jazz but that got cancelled. So we're starting with a day for old people with bad memories. I wonder if Glastonbury started like this. the local MP is coming to the comedy win his family. One side if me wants to do a load of political stuff but to be honest I'm genuinely happy that he's supporting the festival so I'll just keep my happy trousers on. That and the majority of my knowledge is based on obscure documentaries and conspiracy websites.

I finally got around to doing Helen Arney's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Uke night. Where a bunch of misfits like myself sit around in a circle playing songs on our ukuleles. It was great fun. I particularly liked playing The Man Who Sold the World by David Bowie. Sophia bought me a ukulele when she went to Bestival and i love it to bits. It's probably the cheapest one ever made and it certainly was at the uke group. But it's opened up so many new avenues in comedy. I've used it in Music Club, I'll use it in my Edinburgh show and I'll be doing a weekly slot for Tricity Vogue's Ukelele Cabaret also during the festival.

I'm feeling a bit weird about the festival this year. I seem to have everything sorted. Normally I'm running around a few weeks before knowing I still have something important to do, like write a show. But not only have we got the show written we have four previews to tweak it. I'm not normally that well organised. I'll probably have the car blow up when I pass e Cambridge services. Better get my AA upgraded to relay just on case.

It's bloody hot at the moment. I'm suffering from prickly heat at the moment on my lower right calf. I spent half of last night with a blue freezer block tied to my leg with a dressing gown belt. I watched a few episodes of the American version of The Office which I love. If you haven't seen it, do. It's brilliant and dare I say it better than the British version. The whole cast are just perfect and yes it's got tons or irony and it has really embarrassing moments like the uk cousin. Because there's over twenty episodes a series you get to really explore the characters.

I'm back

2010-07-06T10:11:00.003+01:00

Well it's been a while, but Edinburgh is almost upon me and I love to do an Edinburgh blog. This will be my 4th. So what have I been up to? Well this year I have two shows and have decided not to do a show doing straight stand up. I have to be honest I can't compete and never have a good idea for a show. I can fill an hour of me doing stand up and bantering, but an Edinburgh show this does not necessarily make. I did a gig years ago with Alex Horne and was impressed with the fact that he ha such a strong idea for a show and while we were having a coffee between gigs he was researching. The show was called Bird Watching and it went on to be a radio show and a book. After a fairly bog standard Edinburgh full of alcohol, infighting and bitching I vowed not to bother coming back till I had a good idea for a show. And like being caught with bald tires on your car by a policeman at 8.30 in the morning doing 3mph in the middle of London, they come in pairs.

I originally decided to come up with a children's show that would reflect the kind of children's show I like. Tiswas, Michael Bentime's Potty Time, Going Live, Trevor and Simon, Pee Wee Herman, The Monkees, Banana Splits. All that really anarchic stuff. I had the show more or less written and performed by Nov last year. Then Mike Manera suggested finally getting around to doing a show he'd had kicking around for years called Musoc Club. This also turned out to be a great idea for an Edinburgh show so we decided to go ahead with that too. Then I had a dilema. Should I just jettison he kid's show? Manera thankfully told me to stick with it as it was written and if I was already up there it would just cost a few extra hundred quid for brochure entry and flyers since I was doing it at the Free Festival. It was manera's idea to rename the show Lessons in Chaos. I was going to have guests but have since decided to make the guests/friends part of the show the puppets and toys I have in my suitcase. I was inspired by The The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson sequence I recently saw on Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cI6Ljm6YhGk

Possibly one of the funniest, mental and disturbing things I have ever seen in my life. I've watched it about 15 times so far. Trust me, it's aimed at kids.